Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Dear man of the house

Dear man of the house, could you be any more 2008? You're so incredibly contemporary.

I mean, do you remember our conversation from yesterday?

Me: Let's go to Paris this fall.

You: Sure, why not. But do you think it's fun for the kids?

Me: Yes! There are tons of cafes, parks and Euro Disneyland.

You: Isn't Euro Disneyland horribly commercial and crappy?

Me: Probably. Perhaps we should go to Legoland instead.

You: But is that really in Paris?

Me: No, it's in Denmark.

You: Way to GoogleEarth yourself out of the discussion!

Dear Police Museum

Dear Police Museum,
thanks for providing my kid with a real, life-size police car with intercom and flashing lights and all. And thanks for letting me browse your book on female delinquents through history. My favorite picture was that of 12 sad looking women with the headline "HAS THIEVED - from menfolk".

As many people know, this is the worst offense known to mankind.
Had they stolen from womenfolk or children, they might not even have had their picture taken.

My child was perhaps inspired by the women, for he too, took the chance to steal. From the police museum! I found him, happily eating a stolen chocolate pastry, inside the police car. The evidence was all around him.

For this I am sorry, dear Police museum, but because I am famously broke, I can not pay you back until after the 25th.

-the end consumer

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Dear Drew

Dear Drew, how did you prepare for your next part?
We celebrated midsummer here on Friday, and Joel went all Grey Gardens.
He's the littlest Edie.

Ps. If you don't know about midsummer's, read up here.

Dear Eurocard 2

Dear Eurocard, I'm no longer overspending.
Am I cured?

I cut the card, and am almost back to a non-debt status.

To celebrate, I've taken up gambling.
-the end consumer

Ps. Go Italy!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Award winning moms unite and take over

Dear son, remember how yesterday I told you you were the best, most wonderful, smartest, funniest son in the world? And that in fact, you had won a prize for being the best boy in the universe?

And remember how I showered you with similar award declarations? And then how I, in a moment of tenderness and vanity wondered if perhaps you thought I was worthy of a prize too, not asking for much?

Do you recall how you looked at me, smiling, as I thought "yay, some kind of mom prize is coming up".

And indeed it did.

"You win the most nagging mom in the world prize!"

I take what I can get! It's great to be the best at something!

Dear kids

Dear kids, sometimes I'm so painfully aware that this is your childhood. You never give it a thought. I often wonder: Is what I see the same thing as what you experience?

There is no answer.

Too young for swim school

-too old not to care:

Dear fellow shoe consumers

As I'm sure any reader of this blog is aware, I have massive foot/shoe issues. I'm very interested in shoes, particularly those I can not wear.

The shoes featured by Eurobrat can not be worn at all. Not only because they are uncomfortable and impractical, but because they're of immeasurable value and older than your grandmother's grandmother. And then some.

Learn more about shoes you can't wear! Ever.
Thanks Eurobrat.


ps. immeasurable. what a strange strange word. immeasurable. look at the spelling.

dear readers

dear readers, don't read.
listen to this instead

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

still so broke

still so broke. something good had to happen. I stole my kids candy and spent my last bucks on the new david sedaris.

suddenly feeling very rich.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Dear readers and fellow consumers

Dear readers and fellow consumers, I'm afraid the blog has had a rather hefty focus on my kids lately. I must do something about that. Surely it can't be interesting to anyone else. From now on, it will be about my kids and ME.

Today I want to share a set of pictures I'd like to call truth in advertising.
First off: Vanja posing as a Gerber baby.

With a slapstick sense of humor.

Her mother works hard for the hot pepper society, trying to convince the world they're looking at the other forbidden fruit.

And this is the reason it's forbidden.

-the end consumer.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Friday, June 13, 2008

Dear Italians

Dear Italians, thanks for bringing us this rendition of 44 cats!

Dear Breviksbadet

Dear Breviksbadet, you know what REALLY SUCKS? It sucks to stress like a maniac to get three kids fed and clad and off to swim school in time only to find out class is canceled because of poor weather. And the teacher remembered to call everyone and tell them this except for you.

But you know what's great?
That when you're the only people at the pool, it's like having your own huge pool.
And then the sun comes out to bless your kids and you're already at the pool so why not enjoy it.

But next time, call me too.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Dear Betty Boop lovers

Dear Betty Boop lovers, listen to Selma, she sounds just like a 95-year old BB.

ps. thanks Jenny!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Dear Dubai

Dear Dubai, and other oil producing countries.
I hear you're upping the oil price.
Well, take this Dubai, we don't need you.
We're speedfreaks on bikes.

-end consumer & fam.

Dear Hags, manufacturer of baby swings

Dear Hags, manufacturer of baby swings.

Thanks for providing my baby with her first high as she tried your product.

Yours, etc.

-The end consumer

Ps. Joel took product testing seriously.
Shown in pic: The twirling demon test.

Dear l'Oréal

Dear l'Oréal, do you have any products that make my own hair look like my daughter's?
Independent, blowing in the wind, carefree, yet smelling of wild strawberries?

I'm so worth it.

ps. yes, that would be old face paint.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Dear home owners

Dear home owners, every now and then one needs to clean. It can be boring. Let a radio documentary entertain your ears while the rest of you do the tidying up.

Today I'm listening to The Jewish Giant, Eddie Carmel, born a normal sized baby.
Perhaps you're a fan of the New York Giants? In more ways than you know?

listen and find out.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Dear readers and fellow consumers

Dear readers and fellow consumers, this is what you look like to me.
This is all I know about you.
I wonder about you. You know so much about me.
Go little white dot in Brazil! Lovely reader in Bangalore, how's your thali today?
Australian readers, would you show me round Canberra and Adelaide?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Dear broke people

Dear broke people, I'm one of you.
While I'm not perpetually down and out, I'm technically broke.
This is the sad state of my finances:

Yesterday the fellow shoppers at our local store could hear me say:
No Joel, you can't have a Piggelin, we have no money. No money at all.

People looked at us with sadness in their eyes. Everyone knows Piggelin is the cheapest icicle of them all.

I forgot all about this as I went for lunch today. I had a deck of cards with me. Credit cards. No money on any of them. Luckily, the people at the lunch place had seen me plenty of times before. I want to tell you, temporarily broke people, that it's important to be a returning customer. They let me eat cashless and pay up next time instead.

I was so grateful I even refrained from telling them chèvre is not spelled chevré, as they insist on calling it. It's cute, but wrong.

The cafe people pronounce it like it would rhyme with oeufs en gelé! The outrage!
Which brings me to something I've always wondered: Who ever craves a hard boiled egg in jelly? WHY?

watch this

Publish Post

Dear readers and fellow consumers

Dear readers and fellow consumers, there are so many things I've product tested in life so far. This picture contains 6 important sources of joy:

  • Babies
  • Monkeys
  • Red Wine
  • Nanso dresses
  • Posters in happy colours
  • Vintage Danish furniture

If you're feeling down, one or all might help you. But perhaps better to overindulge in plush monkeys than in red wine if you're supposed to take care of a baby the next day.

Notably missing from pic: dark chocolate, music, older children, friends and lovers. And a good job. I love work.
See how serious I look? I'm serious about happiness.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Dear Fashion Aficionados

Dear Fashion Aficionados, this summer Kohl is in. As in "in everyplace you can imagine". If you can't afford the legendary le crayon kohl by lancome, pick some old bits off the barbecue.
Smear it everywhere, then rub yourself against white surfaces.

Leave a mark!

Dear Scotland Yard

Dear Scotland Yard, today on the subway I was talking to two adorable 7-year olds. After a few minutes we had concluded that a girl from their school had transferred to my daughter's school. I didn't know who she was, so I asked what she was like.

Kid 1: Well...she has long brown hair.

Kid 2: And kind of a narrow face.

Kid 1: And she really likes cheese.

Long brown hair, narrow face, likes cheese. Would that be enough for you to track a person down?

-curious in Stockholm

Monday, June 2, 2008

Dear future generations

Dear future generations, especially my own children, will piercing still be hot when you reach your teens?

I was worrying about this the other day.

Me: What do I do when they come home with piercings all over their beautiful little faces?

Dad: Don't worry, piercings will be so over by then.

Me: I know. It will be something even worse by then. They'll turn elsewhere for inspiration. They'll do something sure to make me cry. I bet they'll go for that look fancied by some Mursi women. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Ps. Or perhaps this look is not fancied by Mursi women at all? Is it fancied by Mursi men? Or just by tourists? If you are, or know anyone who is, an authentic Mursi person, please let me know the truth about your feelings regarding lip discs.